Power Ranking NFL Teams as Dungeon Crawler Carl Mobs - Part 1

Dungeon Tank Dolphin - Level 1

These floppy fishy failures are actually quicker than they first seem, but aside from that they don't pose much of a threat offensively, nor will they put up much of a fight defensively. They're used mainly as experience fodder on early floors of the dungeon and, to be honest, they seem to be content with that. For now. They have big plans for their future and are really just trying to survive while looking forward to the next crawl. They're always looking forward to the next crawl. (Spoiler alert: nothing ever changes.)

Quivering Cardinals - Level 2

These tiny, red little birds also present very little threat to all but the most hapless crawlers. They do happen to possess a pretty strong charge attack as well as a potentially lethal ranged attack but seem almost hellbent on never figuring out how to use them effectively. Small and nearly defenseless, they are possibly the most squishable mob in the dungeon. In fact, you should squish them…under your pristine flawless bare foot… do it… do it now.

Jumpin Jets - Level 3

You never know what you're going to get with these flying flame factories. Sometimes they are surprisingly hard to kill, sometimes they can be inexplicably lethal to even the most hardened crawler. But most of the time they are neither of these things… The only consistent thing about them is that they will eventually, without fail, crash and burn. Just make sure they don't take you out with them.

Something Something Browns - Level 4

No one quite knows what these things are. Are they a color? A dog? A mischievous elf? The only thing anyone really knows about them is that they are mostly inept, though they can be quite resilient to normal attacks so be careful. And whatever you do, never ever offer one a massage.

Titanic Titans - Level 5

They're big. That's it. They have no other defining characteristics.

Jolly Blue Giants - Level 6

Unlike their Titanic cousins these massive creatures have quite a lot going for them. They have a few quite devastating attacks that can overwhelm even the most wary of crawlers. Even more notable is their amazingly stout defensive abilities. These guys can take almost anything you can throw at them and then shove it right back down your throat. Yes, they are quite a frightening and formidable mob… or at least they would be if they weren't so goddamn stupid. These guys are more likely to run face first into a telephone pole (inside a dungeon, of all places) than they are to land a devastating attack on you. Seriously, these guys should have idioted themselves into extinction cycles ago, but for some reason they are a fan favorite so they just keep coming back.

Fragile Falcons - Level 7

Have you ever heard of a left handed bird? No? Well, do I have a mob for you. From a world where turning right is physically impossible, these rascally raptors actually have a few extremely dangerous attacks at their disposal. It's too bad their aim is wildly inconsistent. Sometimes they are incredibly accurate but have no range. Other times their attacks can go really far, but are way off. Also, they are incredibly easy to hurt. In fact, if you encounter one of these in the dungeon, it is likely already injured. My advice: finish them off quickly or else you might be in for quite a shock.

Raiders of the Lost Art (of Dying) - Level 8

Ancient, half-decayed things that used to be the single most feared mob in the entire dungeon. Stories still float around the center system about the black-and-silver horde that once cleared whole floors without breaking stride. These days they mostly shamble around bumping into walls and getting lost on the way to their own boss room. Don't get comfortable though — every few cycles, purely out of muscle memory, one of them still lands a hit that obliterates a crawler instantly. Nobody, least of all the Raider, can explain why.

Sinning Saints - Level 9

Despite presenting themselves as Saints, these guys actually moonlight as bounty hunters. Not very good bounty hunters, I'll grant you. Though you'll never find one of these guys on the sixth floor with the rest of the hunters, they can be genuinely dangerous in short bursts, capable of absolutely cooking a careless crawler with very little warning. The problem is consistency — for every battle where they're an unstoppable congregation of doom, there are others where they forget how to walk and trip over their own vestments.

B-B-B-BOSS BATTLE!!

Bryce, The Young Widdle Panther - Level 10 Neighborhood Boss

Is this itty bitty kitty, with his sweet little backpack and a helmet that's just a size too big for him, the most adorable mob to ever roam a dungeon floor? Yes, yes he is. But in addition to being the cutest cat in the dungeon (that's right, I said it), he's also dangerous as fuck. Plenty of intrepid crawlers have ventured too close to tickle his furry little chin only to look down to see their bowels tickling the dungeon floor. Sure he became a boss thanks to the two greatest words in the English language — "default" — but he remains a boss because of those razor sharp claws, deceptive speed and a surprisingly strong defense that is growing stronger all the time.